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I just put a whole lot of jokes on here. >>>Scroll down now<<<

[ Background by www.Soup-Faerie.Com ]

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station!

Q: Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
A: To invent the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To corrupt the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken IRS representative cross the road?
A: To bankrupt the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.

Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
A: To help the patient find the other side.

Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?
A: To break on through to the other side.

Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it's too far to walk.

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.

2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.

3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.

4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).

5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.

6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food

7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.

8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear

9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea

10. [xxx] is not a bed.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.

11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see "Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;

12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.

  Jokes

What is this?

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"


A sarcastic teacher one day said to his class, " anyone who considers themselves losers, please stand up," no one stood up, but after a while a freshman stood up. The teacher said "now, son, why do you consider yourself a loser?" and the boy said, " well, I don't, really. but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."


"Hey, Nice Tie''

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
"Hey, nice tie!" comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the bartender to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged elsewhere.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
"It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts."


Never talk to the parrot

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

The preacher buys a parrot

Panda A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

 

 

  Medical Madness!

Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: "Oops!"

Patient: Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pack of cards.
Doctor: Wait here. I'll deal with you later.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: I keep thinking no one can hear me.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I keep thinking there are two of me.
Doctor: Say that again. And this time, don't both of you speak at once.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a bell.
Doctor: Take two aspirins and ring me in the morning.

-Chandni, 12



PATIENT: Doctor, doctor, what should I do for a splitting headache?
DOCTOR: Have you tried glue?

PATIENT: Doctor, what's the fastest way to lose 20 pounds?
Doctor: Cut off your legs.

PATIENT: Doctor, I think I'm a bumblebee.
DOCTOR: Buzz off. Next!

-1000 Jokes for Kids

THIS IS FUNNY!!!!!

This kid gets an assigment from school. He has to write the first 5letters of the alphabet. He goes home. He goes to his sister, who was on the phone to her friend. He goes, "Hey, what is the 1st letter of the alphabet?" His sister goes, "no,no,no!"

He writes it down. He goes to his brother, who was watching football on tv. He asks; "What is the second letter in the alphabet?" His brother goes, "YES,YES,YES!!"

He goes to his father. He asks," Dad can you tell me the 3rd letter in the alphabet?" his father goes, "Sure,kiddo!"

he goes over to his friend's house. His friend is watching tv. he goes, "hey, whats the 4th letter in the alphabet?" His friend goes "SUPERMAN!!" the kid writes it down. He goes to his mom,who was writing a grocery list. "Mom what is the 5th letter of the alphabet?" His mother goes "I really dont care"(talking about which vegtable to buy) the kid writes it down.

The next day the kid comes to class.The teacher says;"Did you write down the first5 letters of the alphabet? the kid goes "no,no,no!". The teacher goes,"do you want to go to the principal's office?" the kid goes "YES!YES!YES!". He goes to the principal's office.

The principal goes,"Do you want to get in trouble?" the kid goes "sure,kiddo!"

the principal goes "Who are you acting like young man?" the kid goes, "Superman!!"

The principal goes;"Do you want me to call your parents?"The kid goes;"I dont care"

-Best 1st joke of 2002, sent by Kaila
  RIDDLES What starts with e and ends with e, but only has one letter in it?
Answer: an envelope

What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
Answer: French flies.

What has four eyes and is very wet?
Answer: The Mississippi.

What children live in the ocean?
Answer: Buoys and gulls.

-Chandni, 12


What word starts with T, ends with T, and is filled with T?
Answer: A teapot
-Roma, age 6


What has roots as nobody sees,
Is taller than trees,
Up, up it goes
And yet never grows?
Answer: A mountain.

-J.R.R. Tolkien
from THE HOBBIT


Bumper stickers 01

 I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

 He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

HAHA!

How cold is it outside? How Cold Is Cold? 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) 50 Miami residents turn on the heat 40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming 35 Italian cars don't start 32 Water freezes 30 You plan your vacation to Australia 25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South 15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going 5 American cars don't start 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts -10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start -25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going -30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start -40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South -50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window -80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets .